Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
