Got a toothbrush?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
