I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
