okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
