Whod you bang
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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