I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize