Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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