john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
