got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
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She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
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