And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
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I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
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It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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