her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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