wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
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Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
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I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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