you guys were way drunker than both of me
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
