I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
