oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
