textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i think my mom watched the whole time
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
