I accidentally burped into my bong.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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