cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
