I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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