I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
