Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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