Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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