Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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