who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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