Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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