there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize