I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
