Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
