i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
