Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just want nice things and good sex
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.