also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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