God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
