I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
