I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
someone owes me an orgasm
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
