its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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