In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
