I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
