do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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