just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
