There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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