Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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