with your own penis?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
