I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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