remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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