so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
