It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
