you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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