WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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