she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
