I should be sponsored by Trojan
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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