I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
being pregnant is like rehab
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
