i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
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So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
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I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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